Clandestine21's Weblog

Fuck

clandestine21 — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 05:55:18 +0000

Why do you have to be so fucking insensitive sometimes? We were supposed to have dinner together and watch heroes but we had to wait till 10 so she could get her money and then 10:30 rolls around and she finally gets here and then you decide to smoke with her…wtf? It’s 11pm, douchebag…I’m sick. I’m tired from hw-ing all day…and I’m fucking hungry. Ass.

To-Do List

clandestine21 — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 07:45:16 +0000

1. Keep on top of my homework

2. Work out consistently

3. Apply to graduate school – includes: apps, letters, statement of purpose, fees, transcripts, etc.

4. Make sure my romantic relationship is healthy as well as familial and friends

5. Study for the grad school test and schedule a date to take it *crosses fingers*

6. Get costume and components for Halloween!

7. Finish setting up my new place – decoration, cleaning, etc.

*Sigh* I hate stress, but I suppose all this will help build character or whatever they say…

I just need to take this one step at a time, finish my calendar so I have a schedule in front of my eyes, and relax…remember to have fun sometimes. I know that when I’m stressed like this, my boyfriend suffers…poor thing. Get an early start, no slacking, and I should be fine! =)

Summer of Change

clandestine21 — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 04:40:33 +0000

So my boyfriend and I started opening our relationship up, sexually, not too long ago. It was a bit rough at first but I think we’re doing great now. I’ve only slept with 1 other guy and he has yet to bed another woman. In many ways, this open realtionship has been a blessing. We’re both more aware of our physical appearance and work hard to keep it up in the eyes of others. We are doing a lot of self-improvement work and trying to widen our social circles. Basically it’s forced us to get out of our apartment and start living our lives in a more balanced way.

Speaking of self-improvement, a friend of mine from work introduced me to a book called The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work and Sexual Desire by David Deida. It’s a book written for men, but I find it fascinating anyway and it helps me understand my boyfriend and other men a lot better. The author mainly speaks about sexual polarity and how it’s disappearing in today’s politically correct culture. We’re supposed to smooth over our differences and become more alike instead of embracing our differences. For example, women hate making decisions in general and men are great at it. So if a woman asks her man, “Hey, honey, what shoes should I wear tonight? The red or black ones?” and the man replies “Whatever you want,” he has failed her. Instead, he should say “Well I like the red ones, but whatever makes you happy.” This way he isn’t controlling her, but merely guiding her. And if most women are like me, then they would enjoy a man who will be just that – a man…in the most primal sense of the word. They would melt at being ravished, being swept into powerful arms, being spun around, being dominated. Anyway, I could go on and on. It’s interesting, haha.

I’ve been working out consistently for the past two weeks and I might be hallucinating, but I think I’m actually starting to see results. My stomach doesn’t stick out as far (although it didn’t really stick out much before lol) and my legs look a bit more trimmed. Now I have to just keep going until I get the results I want. I’m close..so close, but any day I could just stop going and lose all my progress. That won’t happen; I won’t let it!

Well it’s time for a shower and bed. Work tomorrow. Oh well while I’m talking about work, might as well mention that because my major is unrelated to my work, I might not get converted to a permanent position after my student internship is over =/ I really appreciated the salary, benefits and insurance stuff I got there, but who knows…maybe there’s something better in store for me? We’ll see…

Goodnight!

Everything’s Alright

clandestine21 — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:49:35 +0000

I’m starting to come alive. I feel like I’m sailing. My life is going very well. I have money now from my job, my boyfriend and I are back together and happier than ever, my health is more or less alright, my family and I have been spending time together and I actually have a bit of a social life over the summer!

If I were to complain about something, it’d definitely be these stubborn ear infections – they’re fungal and really itchy. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve seen 2 nurses and a doctor. I have taken an antifungal and done 2 different types of ear drops. Nothing. I’m kind of at a loss here.

Well tonight I’m going downtown with some friends. That should be fun.

Oh and my boyfriend and I are trying the open relationship for the second time. And this time I actually slept with someone else. He was a bigger guy and alright at it, but in the middle of things he decided to watch football, lol. But other than that he’s really nice and fun to hang out with. His parents have a beautiful home and yard too.

I can’t wait to see my boyfriend. I went down to see him last weekend and we had tons of fun. We just made food and watched tv shows, hung out with friends. We got a new bong too and that was pretty nice!

A Break

clandestine21 — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:49:04 +0000

We’re taking a break so I can figure out what’s been eating at me lately. It’s so sad, because of his reaction. He loves me so much and I can see in his eyes whenever we talk about our separation. Why didn’t it show before? Gah, I don’t know if I made the right choice or not…

I feel so guilty. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? Did I make this choice for the wrong reasons? His tears kill me inside. Why do I have to make things so fucked up? Is it because I consumed like an eigth of weed over the past few days? I could just be losing sanity or something…

And now I just feel like crawling into bed with him and whispering “it’s okay, forget about what I said earlier. I still love you.” And I still do, damnit. I just feel so unsettled and tied down. I’m not ready to do this. We’ve gotten into such a routine that I feel numb inside. We don’t communicate or have heart to hearts. We don’t look each other in the eyes, we don’t kiss hardly, our sex is physiologically painful, we make each other lazy and we have hardly any mutual interests. It’s amazing to see how successful we’ve been in the past despite our shortcomings as a couple.

I think a break might help put things into perspective for me. I can step back and take a look at us, without being involved…yeah…

And then there’s this other guy…I don’t even know what to think about that. Snippets here, pieces there…a wishful fantasy.

Anyway, I love my ex so much and I just want him to be happy. He deserves to be with someone who is completely and utterly committed to him and only him. And if that requires that I take some time to myself to think things out then maybe we’re going to have to tough it out for a while.

We’re still having an apartment together in the Fall, even if it’s just as roomies. Hope I come to my senses by then…

Can I Have One More Shot?

clandestine21 — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 18:07:06 +0000

At life, that is. How do you go about telling someone you’re bored, you’re losing faith, you might *gulp* not love them anymore??? I don’t know what I’m even feeling, but it’s not right. I hope it has nothing to do with my period or hormones.

I have never felt like this – well not this strongly before. I need help, I need guidance. I don’t know what I want anymore. And, I’m afraid to talk to him about this. What if it’s over? I planned our lives out together (probably not a smart idea) and now everything is fucked up.

I love him, I do. I can’t be happy unless he is. But I know he senses something is wrong. I just need to talk to him and figure things out. I just hope and pray that he takes it maturely and doesn’t cry. =/

God, why can’t life be simpler? If this ends between us, I’ll die. I’ll never love again…

Keeping Up

clandestine21 — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 20:47:45 +0000

So lately I’ve been pretty good about staying on top of things. I do my homework early and work out regularly (except not the past few days due to girly stuff). I even made asian stiry fry with a bunch of veggies to keep up my health. And that’s a challenge sometimes.

I just hope I will have enough funds to last the rest of Spring term. I had to take out an extra $1000 just to pay for rent and utilities and if I factor in my emergency loan that needs to be paid off, I really only have like $83 left after May and June’s rent is paid. Gah, I have to be really frugal.

So I said I’d update about getting my Mirena out. So far, it’s awesome. I have my sex drive back, I feel like I can work out and see results if I stick to it, and I’m not that moody anymore. I just have to deal with these stupid cramps and heavy flow once a month. But I think it’s worth it. =)

Anyhow, I’ve been practicing guitar and singing lately and yesterday was really fun. It’s like I had this urge to sing and I did it like alll night! It was just great. Oh! Paul got me Rockband for my ps2! Isn’t that just really sweet of him? Now my sisters and I can play – I’m sure they’ll love it!

Oh and I almost forgot – we have a french exchange student living with us in Milwaukie! She’s around Maxine or Christine’s age – I’m going home this weekend to meet her. Should be interessant!

Alright, well I have to plan out my day and get started. I have to buy books from this weird store for one of my classes – Urban Politics.

Oh and by the way, I love my classes – Music of India, Marketing and of course Urban Politics (about sustainable cities, focusing on Portland and Eugene!!!).

Toodles!

Finals

clandestine21 — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 23:45:26 +0000

Well final’s week has started and I’ve got 1 down, 1 to go. I wasn’t too worried about the management final I had today – it went pretty smoothly. However, I did forget my name tag with all my strengths and my core on it so I had to run home and get it! Luckily she still accepted it.

Tomorrow is the final I’m really worried about – astronomy. If I don’t get a good grade, I could fail the class – that would be the second astronomy class I failed! I can’t – I have to do well! I’m going to the study session tonight and to pick up my third test. I really hope I pass this class!

Oh and my business presentation went pretty well too – we didn’t screw up. I just hope our professor accepts our giant paper :/ She will, she will. I’ve got to stay positive!

Presentation of A Lifetime

clandestine21 — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 20:32:23 +0000

Alright – today is my management presentation and it has to go very well. Especially because I don’t even know whether our group’s paper will be accepted, seeing as it was a day late. It sucks, wasn’t even written on the syllabus >.<

I’m a bit nervous and I suppose that’s natural. I just hope I do well and get a good grade in that class. I have to go to grad school, I have to! Ok, well I think I’ll go over it in my head another time and maybe use the bathroom. I will up date as to how it went afterward.

An Emotional Rant

clandestine21 — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 22:22:13 +0000

I have no right to feel this way. Maybe it’s because we live together. God she gets on my nerves so fucking much. I don’t get it. Why does she have to be like this? She’s secretive, uninvolved, thoughtless, spoiled and she lies. What the fuck? So judgmental too. She makes me feel fat and useless and messy and lazy. I bought her that fucking gift and she didn’t even fucking open it or notice that it was gone. I hate her right now. I asked “going home?” and she said ‘yeah’ but then her guy kept acting all excited about where they were going, talking about bringing towels and going to the casino. I bet they’re going to her beach house but just didn’t want to invite me and my man.

It’s fine, it’s her beach house. But seriously don’t fucking lie to me. I don’t get it, we all wanted to go and hang out and have a good time there. But obviously it’s reserved for her and him or something. If we came, we’d ruin it. Is that it? Is it my man? Godasfldjal;kfjda;lkfjalsdf

Whatever, she’s not even that good of a friend. She’s a little girl, so annoying too. She never opens up and she doesn’t take a stand and have her own personality. Fucking whore. She uses her man too because he puts up with her. God and here I a groveling at her feet, making sure I don’t annoy her, that I appear good, refined, clean, and perfect for her. Fuck…I’m going to do what I want. I don’t care anymore. If she wants to be that way, fine.

I want to travel and do something fun. I feel cooped up in here. I need to get out but my boyfriend doesn’t like going out or anything that I like to do. I need to go on vacation or something…with my family preferably. I’m so frustrated. God