We’re taking a break so I can figure out what’s been eating at me lately. It’s so sad, because of his reaction. He loves me so much and I can see in his eyes whenever we talk about our separation. Why didn’t it show before? Gah, I don’t know if I made the right choice or not…
I feel so guilty. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? Did I make this choice for the wrong reasons? His tears kill me inside. Why do I have to make things so fucked up? Is it because I consumed like an eigth of weed over the past few days? I could just be losing sanity or something…
And now I just feel like crawling into bed with him and whispering “it’s okay, forget about what I said earlier. I still love you.” And I still do, damnit. I just feel so unsettled and tied down. I’m not ready to do this. We’ve gotten into such a routine that I feel numb inside. We don’t communicate or have heart to hearts. We don’t look each other in the eyes, we don’t kiss hardly, our sex is physiologically painful, we make each other lazy and we have hardly any mutual interests. It’s amazing to see how successful we’ve been in the past despite our shortcomings as a couple.
I think a break might help put things into perspective for me. I can step back and take a look at us, without being involved…yeah…
And then there’s this other guy…I don’t even know what to think about that. Snippets here, pieces there…a wishful fantasy.
Anyway, I love my ex so much and I just want him to be happy. He deserves to be with someone who is completely and utterly committed to him and only him. And if that requires that I take some time to myself to think things out then maybe we’re going to have to tough it out for a while.
We’re still having an apartment together in the Fall, even if it’s just as roomies. Hope I come to my senses by then…
